Jayne's Blog 5

Hello again!  The pink hair went down well at work.  I was persuaded not to tie it up and wear it down instead all day!  Yay!  I can’t see it, so what the hell!  Now I have to decide whether to do the whole lot, or get the hairdresser to put it back to blonde when I go on Wednesday???  Have always wanted to go platinum blonde, but hairdressers always seem to not want to do it.  But isn’t the customer always right?  Shouldn’t they just do what I ask for?  I’m paying after all!

Have just been chuffed to bits to see that there is a new series of Taggart on Tuesday!  Yay!  Reminds me of the time I went for an interview in Aberdeen at the forensics lab.  At the time I was with a certain Scouser, and when I mentioned this fact, one of the staff said to me, “Calm down, calm down!  (in a joke scouse accent)  Oh sorry, we just think it’s funny to say that!”  To which I replied, “It’s OK, we always go round saying there’s been a murrrdurrr!”  Ha ha!  But I do love Taggart.  The storylines always have a twist, and I must admit, I don’t always work  out who the murrrdurrrer is.  And John Michie is easy on the eye too.
Just watching Penn and Teller do a magic trick...

Wow that was fab!  Not sure I’d want my phone back after it had been inside a fish’s guts, but was cool all the same.

Trying to decide what to have for my lunches during the week.  Up to now, I’ve been losing weight, without trying too hard, but the Christmas hols forced chocolate down my neck in ridiculous proportions, to the point that I am now an addict again.  I really don’t want to put the weight back on, but sausage rolls have been physically assaulting me this week, and forcing themselves upon me, which I am sure, is some sort of criminal offence.  I think I will have to apply for a restraining order, because there’s no point going down the willpower route.  Thing is, if I buy a load of food from Tesco to have for lunch during the week, that will take away the need to walk to the shop to buy my lunch each day.  So what I will save in money and time, I will lose in burning off calories.  Hmmm.  And don’t even think about suggesting that I could still go for a walk at lunchtime, because we all know that isn’t going to happen!  Lol!

Still trying to get over the checking of the mobile phone for text messages thing.

Oh fab, a card trick is coming on now!  I love card tricks!  I know they are usually done with trick decks, but the sleight of hand is just so damn clever, they get me every time.  The bloke’s bright white shoes are so distracting though!  Hmmm, it was an OK trick, but I’ve seen better.

Just checking my phone...Why?!!

Now this guy is good at card tricks.  Very good!  Loved the way that the aces separated the pack, and split into the suits at the end!  Brilliant!!!

OK, think I will go to kip in a bit, because despite me saying that last night, I didn’t actually manage to go to sleep until after 12.  I have to take advantage of the opportunity for early nights!  Blog you tomorrow!x

Jayne's Blog 4

Hello!  Today’s exciting news is that I am currently sat here with pink dye in my hair!  Lol!  Wonder what it will turn out like?!  It will be interesting anyway.  Will let you know in a while.

Missed Eastenders and Emmerdale tonight, owing to having given up watching them.  However, saw a little bit of Emmerdale, and the storyline of Lisa getting raped in the factory, by the obviously dodgy looking van driver.  Can’t understand, though, why someone like Lisa, who is used to throwing pigs around the farm, lugging engines out of cars, and generally doing heavy graft all over the dales, couldn’t fight off that little scrote?  Now I’m not making light of such a heavy topic, but this is where these storylines get silly.  Now I feel mean.

Time to wash off the hair dye!  Will it be hurrah or oh-oh?!!!  Back soon to let you know!x

PMSL!  Well, the back looks a lot better than the front, and I thought the back would turn out worse!  My attempt at pink highlights is certainly interesting!  Oh well, if you can’t laugh at yourself...

Good news today is that my “On the Buses” DVDs have arrived!  How we all love the ‘70s sexism and chauvinistic jokes!  How we all, as young women, would have loved to have been chatted up by the clearly not young, Stan and Jack, and been taken for a ride on the top deck.  Oooh, Jack could’ve clipped my ticket any day.  Poor Olive, always put down for being fat and stupid, when I’m sure she was no bigger than a very normal size 14, and who wouldn’t have gone a bit loopy living in that house with those men?  Why did Arthur marry her if he disliked her so much?  Still, they are classic British films, and despite everything that’s wrong about them now, they are still very watchable and loveable.  I’m not ashamed to admit it!  I am an “On the Buses” fan!  I want “Mutiny on the Buses” as my ringtone!

Yesterday the box set of “Porridge” DVDs arrived.  Another classic British comedy from the 70s.  Does it mean I’m getting old if I suddenly start getting all sentimental about programmes from the decade of my birth???  Oh dear.

Feeling a bit weird today too.  Missing a friend.  Before you get all OMG on me, they are not dead!  Just not here at the moment, and I will miss talking to them.

How absolutely horrible for those parents of the children at that nursery.  Every parent’s worst nightmare.  You do all you can to keep your children safe, you trust these people with your most treasured and precious possession (not really the right word, I know), and such an awful thing happens.  Those parents must be going through hell.  The sick bastard should be drowned in a bath of acid.

Just going to have a piece of Toblerone to calm my nerves.

Well, I think an earlyish night is on the cards, though I probably won’t be able to sleep now, with all that chocolate coursing through my veins.  Blog you tomorrow!x

Jayne's Blog 3

You’re so vain, I bet you think this blog is about you.  You’re so vain.  I bet you think this blog is about you, don’t you, don’t you?

Ha ha!  Just had that in my head this morning, so I thought I’d share it with you.  Well, what a scintillating day today.  The big excitement was two road rage incidents on the way home.  One by a mini driver, who thought it was big and clever to sound their horn for about a minute, because, sin of sins, I pulled out to avoid a cyclist, which meant that the mini could not overtake me and had to pull in behind.  Boo hoo.  The second was a bloke in, guess what? - a BMW – who thought it was also somehow big and clever to drive just under the speed limit, then speed up when he managed to take his hand out of his pants for long enough to change gear.  The poor, phallically challenged individual, then thought it was even bigger and cleverer, to drive alongside me and try to intimidate me into letting him pull in front of me when the road narrowed.  Dear, oh dear.  What is wrong with some people?  I bet he went home and slammed a few doors, smashed a few things, and kicked the cat, until his testosterone levels had reached an acceptable level again.  Either that, or he made a feeble attempt to shag his wife’s brains out, in a display of sheer and utter masculinity.  (If the sad bastard has a wife, that is).

Ooooh, Jupiter has been aligning with Uranus.  The fun has been ripped from that sentence by the BBC link woman saying it as “Urannus”, instead of the hilarious “Your Anus”, which would, of course, have been very very funny in an adult non-childish way.  Lol!  Two men playing with a large instrument in a field in the dark.  Brilliant.  Shame that Prof Brian Cox isn’t fit.  Wouldn’t it be fab to see the Northern Lights here in Lancashire?  I was sooooo jealous of bloody Joanna Lumley.  That would be the top of my list of things to see before I croaked it.  Maybe if I save a few Gurkhas, the BBC will pay for me to trek the Arctic Circle too.  Or maybe I just need to get my tits out in a posh voice.

Why does tiredness give you a headache?

Right, that’s all for now.  Evil plans don’t just hatch themselves, you know.x

Jayne's Blog 2

Hello, again.  Firstly, I want to start by saying a big thank you to everyone who kept me off the cliff edge the last couple of weeks.  You have all been brilliant, and even the smallest of things has meant more than you know.xxx
So, what to talk about tonight?  To rant, or not to rant, that is the question.  Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous nobheads, or to take arms against a sea of wankers, and by slapping, f**k them?  (with sincere a-po-lo-gees to my mate Bill).  Note to English Lit teachers who constantly gave me a “D” for not writing 24 pages of critique like my ginger-haired classmate (and I use the term “mate” in its broadest sense, wanker!) - I remembered most of that quote on my own 20 years later, so balls to you.

Maybe it would be better not to rant tonight?  Instead, I will discuss, briefly, the mantra I have now chosen to foster, adopt, and maybe one day get tattooed on my arse – “Carpe Diem”.  Or in other words, “seize the day”.  And who cares if that’s not the literal translation?  Show me an alive, native Latin speaker, and we’ll talk.  It has come to my attention recently, that no matter how much you relive things in your head, have little conversations with yourself, and many other “I wish I’d done thats”, you cannot turn back time.  Not even Stephen Hawking can do it, and he’s bloody good, so you and me are not going to be able to do it.  So, in a few words, if you want something, go for it.  If you’re not sure, just do it and see what happens.  If you want to get something off your chest, for God’s sake, get it off your chest, or it will sit there like a mucous cough that you can’t bloody shift no matter how hard you try to phlegm it up.  Enough said.

Well, no roadrage today, which was unusual.  David Essex kept me company all the way home with his constant rendition of “Winter’s Tale” (we managed four times and one “Hold Me Close”!).  When I actually got home I looked like a panda who had been run over by a tractor.  Boots, it ain’t waterproof.

Actually ate all my tea, again unusual, followed by an almost full packet of Cadbury’s Crunchie biscuits (not unusual).  It’s not my fault they were on offer in Spar.  Blame Dev.

Hmmmmm, the tiredness of First Day Back at Work is getting to me now, so bye for tonight, blog you tomorrow!x

After re-reading tonight’s blogette, I have decided to rethink the positioning of the “Carpe Diem” tattoo.  On reflection, I think it would be more appropriately placed in a position such as a wrist, where indeed a watch would be (oh, you thicko, you’re thinking of “tempus fugit”, derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr).  Anyway, the arse tattoo would actually read “No Entry”.  Lol.x